Will I survive?

*Continuance of “My Story” starting with Blog #1: When your life flashes before your eyes in a flood gate of memories…

JE December 13th, 2014

Mom and I both truly believe I have cancer.  However, I have been given no ‘diagnosis’.  All the natural ways of healing that I have been doing are addressing my state of health as if I have cancer.  Hmmmm.  I have looked like death’s walk for the last month and a half in reference to my state of health.  Thank you Lord, for being with me every step of the way.  I continue to give you all the glory and praise as I struggle through each day.  

A summary of the remainder of time when working with Dr. R…

Since Dr. R wasn’t a “medical doctor”, whom “diagnosed” diseases like cancer, I never asked her if that’s what she was treating me for.  I didn’t have to.  Deep in my heart I knew Pancreatic Cancer was the core issue.  From doing my own research I verified that I had every symptom of it except for blood in my stool.

While working with Dr. R, Mom and I had started to do our own research to better help my ill state of health.  Dr. R had encouraged this too!  “Don’t take my word for something,” she’d stated, “find out for yourself what is true.  You yourself are your own best doctor,” she continued.  “I’m here to help you in your journey in whatever way(s) I can.”  This was when Mom and I really started to learn about health and healing in deeper ways.  Our research was diverse, not limited to:  Leaky Gut, Food as Medicine, Essential Oils, Cancer, Gut Microbiome, Gut-Brain Connection, GOOD Fats, Auto-Immune Diseases, Healing Teas, etc.  Safe to say, we were research “junkies” to help understand what was going on specifically in regards to my health.  We learned a lot.

JE January 1, 2014

I had a revelation of what all of my journaling these past few years (and years to come), is to be used for.  Lord, you want me to write a book about what I have been going through.  Okay, I will.  I have NO idea what or even how this is going to get done, but there is one thing I KNOW:  With you Papa God, ALL things are possible!

The winter was rough as I didn’t feel well.  I was battling depression, and continued to juggle my health, work life, home life, and trying to not let any of life’s struggles take me down.  I continued to do everything Dr. R said, and was also working my job(Massage Therapist) growing my business.  When Spring came I was glad for the warm weather and change of seasons!

My symptoms at this time included but weren’t limited to the following:

  • Headaches(present day and night).
  • Hot and cold sweats(day and at night).
  • Nausea(whenever I ate or drank anything.  I’d wake up to them at night, too).
  • My stomach made a lot of loud “digesting” noises.
  • Diarrhea(5-15 times per day)
  • I was pale in color, with a gray color.  Mom called that “ashen”.
  • Sleep was light and little of.  I could only sleep on my left side curled up in the fetal position because of the intensity of the left side abdominal pain.  The times I’d try to slowly roll onto my right side brought such pain to my left side I couldn’t handle it.  Sleep was exhausting.
  • The pain in my left side extended from under my ribs, mostly on the left side, extending down to the belly button.  My left side was on FIRE.  When the severe pain would start, my whole abdomen would begin to hurt, but more-so on the left side.  The pain under my ribs radiated into the left side of my back.  It was a 3-D(3-Dimensional) type of pain, stemming from deep inside the left middle part of my ribs.
  • I was dizzy and light headed.  At any given time a room could spin, even if I was lying down.
  • I lost more weight.  I was getting to be too thin again.
  • I’d daily wake up in the early hours of the morning to a searing, ripping pain in my abdomen that left me breathless and fighting tears.
  • I had yellow raised spots in both of my eyes, and a hazed yellowish color where the whites were to be white.
  • I could no longer sit comfortably.  The sitting position brought such discomfort that car rides were dreaded.  When it was time to go on road trips to Minneapolis, Mom would drive while I semi-laid and curled up in the front seat attempting to get comfortable(which really didn’t worked).  Sitting just hurt.

JE April, 2014

I’m really tuckered out.  I have been virtually exhausted all the time.  It has been continually getting worse.  I’ve been trying not to let the tiredness get to me, but its caught up with me.  My gut has been really bad.  It’s been raw, uncomfortable and hurting.  My eyes are so tired.  Headaches are rough, consistently getting worse…not sure how that is possible since I have them 24/7.  I’m so tired Lord, help me. 

Each day I woke wake up feeling like I’d never slept.  With what little sleep I’d get at night, it hurt when I’d sleep so I never felt real relief.  Waking up to ripping and searing pain in the wee hours of the morning left me breathing very shallow.  It ultimately left me curled up in the fetal position on my left side praying while tears trickled down my face.  I was now beginning to learn how to cry “beautifully” since sobs and deep breathing while crying were out of the question due to the pain it could inflict.  Good things were coming out of my pain, despite it’s difficulty.  Each day and night were a battle, but with one foot in front of the other, I’d make it through.

Lang-54 copy

(Copy Right Naomi Shanti Photography)

August 2014 my parents celebrated their 25th Wedding Anniversary.  Family, friends, and relatives had come to help join in the celebration.  Nearly everyone had arrived to our home and the celebration was about to start.  I  had some color to my skin since it was summer, and a little redness to my cheeks so I didn’t look sickly to most people.  However, I truly wasn’t feeling well.  To me that didn’t matter.  I was here to help celebrate and be of good cheer.  Most people had no idea the severity of how sick I was.

Before the festivities got rolling Mom came over to me.  Our eyes locked.  I looked deep into her heart as I looked into her eyes, and she looked deep into mine.  I extended my arms and we met, embracing one another(hugging meant NO ONE could touch my abdomen as it hurt).

“I love you, Mom.” I’d said.

“I love you too, Kelly.  I’m so happy in my heart that you are here with us.  I don’t want to think about how this would have been without you with us today.”

“I am too.  I knew you were thinking about that when you walked up to me.”  I laughed, growing serious.  “Thank you, for not giving up on me.  For loving me, despite everything we’ve gone through together.  I love you more than words can speak, Mom.”  I continued to hug her.

“Oh Kelly, you’re my miracle baby.  Thank you.”  We gave each other one last squeeze, then dried our eyes.  It was our special moment.

My parent’s celebration was wonderful.  It was filled with love, laughter, smiles, friends, family, warm weather and sunshine.  Many beautiful memories were made, and many of those were captured on film.  Mom asked the Photographer to make a video of the pics afterward.  Once she received it and was viewing it, she paused the video and two images over-lapped to make the effect seen below.  We both turned to look back at the screen, and what we saw left us speechless.


Victory stood out.  The Apple of His Eye(Papa God’s), a chapter title in a book Mom had laying out on a table that party day.  It told a story of two people who’d met as children at a Holocaust camp, each on the other side of the fence of the other.  A girl and a boy.  And in tiny print near the bottom of our picture are the words, “Will I survive?”  We were both awed, taking a screen shot of the doubled image.

Because of no new developments in healing, my time working with Dr. R had come to an end the Fall of 2014.   Left with no insights on who would be able to help me, Mom and I both wondered, What’s next? 








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