*Continuance of “My Story” starting with Blog #1: When your life flashes before your eyes in a flood gate of memories…
There are simply no human words to explain WHY God allows suffering in this life, but I have some ideas that were impressed upon me years ago that I can see as possibilities as to WHY. What we see with human eyes is surly a tiny speck compared to what He sees in even one of our circumstances, be it good, bad, or otherwise. I trust that God knows best when He allows suffering, and when He gives and takes away.
Concerning Kelly’s state of health, especially during the fall on 2014 into the summer of 2015, we acted upon our faith during the entire process from illness(2010) to clean bill of health(2017). What did that faith look like? Sometimes, it was a cry for “Help”. Other times, praises in the storms, or tears knowing He was listening to our hearts breaking. Some days we would ask for Him to reveal Himself in some way that we would know His hand was working in the details. But most often, we were asking for His healing touch to deliver her out of this painful health situation.
Healing comes through multiple forms, medicine being one. Kelly was using “Food as Medicine” and nutritional supplements from her health practitioners. Both were medicinal. She was adamant about not taking prescription medications, so our standard American medical doctoring system for healing was out of the picture at this point, as you would know if you’ve been following her blog.
Doctoring is another form of healing. Doctor means “Teacher”. We were learning from various doctors up to this point, through both alternative doctors on Health Summits online and those that that she was working with(that she has been referring to in her Blog Posts). Putting into action what we were learning was not getting to the deeper issue going on concerning the pain she experienced daily, but we believed that what she was doing thus far WAS helping heal her Intestinal Permeability(Leaky Gut).
Healing also comes through death. When a loved one is suffering on a daily basis, it’s “trying” to know how to help them. To just be with her and be silent was welcomed, I think. Hearing Kelly’s thoughts in her JE(Journal Entries) on former Blog Posts where she writes about being at peace/going home to Papa God was not shocking to me. She and I are very open in our communication, being (sometimes bluntly) honest in our discussions. We’d had that discussion on death. I knew where she was at. I knew she was depressed. I also TRUSTED her to be honest with me, which she always had/has been since her change of heart. A New Heart.
During this particular time of doctoring, early 2014 into 2015, I too had come to terms with the real possibility that Papa God(as Kelly calls Him) may take Kelly from this life. God gives. God takes away. I know and believe this from reading the Christian Bible. Dying doesn’t scare me. I have a lot of peace about death, trusting and believing it’s the end of life here as we know it, but a beginning to eternity with our Savior. I knew that if Kelly were to pass on that I would be with her in eternity. That gave me great comfort and peace of mind. Thankfully, we haven’t experience the death of a child, putting our faith to an immeasurably difficult test as other people we know who have.
I fully believed we were doing the best we could in finding help and searching for answers with Kelly. We were seeking God’s direction for who to seek out for alternative helps. I was present at all her appointments, discussions with doctors, talked with her daily about her symptoms or whatever she wanted to talk about, supporting her however I could. My role was challenging during jacked-up pain episodes while she was detoxing, having die-off effects/toxins needing to be eliminated from her body. We were also praying for His will to be done, meaning; not praying for my will, Kelly’s, Darren’s, or Troy’s will, nor any human being’s will, just His will, whatever that might be in this awful chronic health situation. There was way too much suffering on Kelly’s part, daily.
Since I was the closest person in Kelly’s life, I knew that my daughter, being strong-willed and determined to follow through with her choices, was not going to give up the fight for her life. One could’ve asked, “Why didn’t you just take her to the ER or make an appointment with a Medical Doctor?” Or, “You knew she was depressed. She could’ve take her own life! Had you thought of that?” Believe me, I did want to take her somewhere at crisis times, and, I had thought of that. During those times my heart became anxious FOR her. I’d panic in my mind with thoughts of will she make it through this one, what if, and what will people think if ? Then, I’d be reminded of a scriptural promise and gain back peace of mind, and ask God to do His will… making it known to us.
Was she reckless in her choice to not go to a medical doctor? I can answer that. It all depends on what a person believes and thinks. I know what it is like to be depressed. I know what it’s like to be depressed and NOT go to a medical doctor for help. I also know that when a person is depressed that they have to want to have change in their life in order for change to happen, and then act on making change happen. I know that for me, I had to make that same choice to want to find answers to change my mental and physical health(back in 2002 through to this day). That being said, I understood where she was at. I was giving Kelly that same respect to want change and make decisions for herself. When she asked for any kind of help from us, we were there for her, to listen, give advice, to listen more, and give her room to grow in her choices.
As a parent of an adult child living in our home making their own choices, we were leaving the results of those healthcare choices in God’s hands, doing all we could to make Kelly’s life as good as it could be, but not imposing our will on her. Reckless? Or trusting? Honestly, as hard as it was to standby and respect her choices, we trusted that God would act for healing on Kelly’s behalf, whatever that looked like day to day, stringing out into years. Her health would take some positive turns during the summer of 2015, but we aren’t there yet in her blogging story.
Many a night I awoke with a strong urge to pray for Kelly during the 2014-2015 season of induced detoxing. I’d stayed lain in bed, making my requests known. Sometimes I’d have a sense that Kelly was not going to make it through the night. I stay awake for hours, sometimes going to her room to make sure she was still with us. Her breathing was so shallow I’d bend right over her, awkwardly with my head next to hers, feeling her breath on my ear. I recall 3 specific nights waking up IN prayer, having an undoubted urgency in my heart to lay hands on her and pray. So, I would. Going downstairs to her room, listening for her shallow breaths, I’d put my hands on her back while kneeling next to her praying, each time ending in “…but Thy will be done, not mine”. And I meant it. His will, not mine. It was His choice to heal her how He saw fit. I’d laid her at the foot of the cross.
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving let your requests be make known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-8
There will be those who read this who may say I’m crazy, negligent, gullible or fool-hearted. I’m pretty okay with that at this point in life. It wouldn’t be the first(and probably not the last) time I’ve heard it. Faith is trusting the outcome to God, having done your part in way of obedience to the best of your ability, then leaving the results to Him. I was at peace with what He would do in Kelly’s health situation. That doesn’t mean it was an easy thing to do, or that I never panicked. There were battles in my mind, as you can imagine. Words will just not convey my heart in this to you. Maybe this next song will.
Take a listen to “Blessings”, by Laura Story. Click on the play button below.
Sometime before the worst of worst times in Kelly’s health battle, she made the decision during a discussion I had with her privately to not openly discuss her health with people outside of her inner circle, her tribe. I had my tribe of women, too, that sometimes over-lapped as Kel’s tribe, that were/are supportive. Those women listened if I called, prayed for our family, and loved on us whether they were geographically close or afar. I would give them random updates in group emails on Kel’s health so as not to have to explain to each one individually. I’m thankful for their supportive friendship in our lives. Kelly and I agreed that there were those people who we wanted them to know what was happening, those we knew would be praying for her. Other people who didn’t actually NEED to know were spared any dependence we may had put on them in their learning of her health battle.
Our major concern was that Kel needed to focus her energy on getting well, not worrying about what others thought of her choices, or feeling she had to defend her choice. Seemed to us, too, that the more people who’d know that she was sick could possibly be worse for her in the case of people sharing their “helpful tips” to “try working with so and so”, or outright tell her “you need to see a qualified medical doctor”, which could cause her to second guess her choice of alternative doctors and healing modalities. The more voices speaking into her life could take her attention away, instead of focusing on her present daily health needs and trusting the Guidance she was seeking and following. Bottom line, she needed her energy focused, not divided.
With all the bodily energy one uses in a given day, Kelly amazingly put forth the energy of a person being well in health most days. How could that be? I think a part of it was that she was not putting medications into her body to treat symptoms, she was eating clean, had fresh air and exercise daily, and so many other positive daily doings. She was drinking lots of water and bone broth. Also, the supplements from her alternative health care providers were fully natural(with no additives that would set-off her Gluten Sensitivity or some other negative response), boosting her body with nutrients and minerals that she’d been deficient of for probably the beginning of her lifetime(in the womb as a fetus- that’s a comment for an entirely different blog post).
Since Kelly was putting good things into her body, and because she wanted to work and be of use, I believe those were big reasons as to why she was able to keep physically working during her illness. And thank God for that being possible, because she’d had probably gone into a deeper depression without a work to do. Putting her focus on someone else, helping them, was also a blessing.
We are thankful for every blessing, and friend’s and family’s love. Bless you, each one. Merry Christmas!