Sick and Tired

*Continuance of “My Story” starting with Blog #1: When your life flashes before your eyes in a flood gate of memories…

I had one last phone consult coming up with the Functional Medicine Doctor(FMD).  I had told Mom prior to the phone consult, “I have no desire to talk to him.  I want to cancel the appointment.  He’s just going to tell me, again, to take the stupid supplements.  Then the same thing will happen that has happened EVERY time before; I’m going to feel horrible when I take them.”  I stated.  “You see where taking the supplements has gotten me.  NO WHERE!  If anything I’m more ill!  I’m done talking with him, Mom.  It isn’t worth my time or money,” I exclaimed angrily.  I had moments of anger and frustration  while working with the FM doctor’s advice and remedies.

I was definitely learning how to better DEAL with my anger and frustrations, majorly due to A New Heart.  My patience was much improved, but I still had moments like this last one just described.  And, like most times, Mom got the brunt of hearing me spew it out.

“Well if you don’t want to talk with him, that’s your choice.  But, I do.  You aren’t going to cancel this appointment.  We both can be on the phone consult with speaker phone.  I think you can answer the few questions he asks you.  I will talk to him the rest of the time and ask him the questions I want to know.”  Mom replied back.  Again, despite our difference of opinions, we had a mutual love and respect for one another.

“If that’s what you think you need to do.”  I replied.  Why did I think I needed to have the last biting remark?  I still needed to work on NOT doing this.

March 31, 2015

“How have you been feeling Kelly?  Have any of your symptoms changed for the better, or worse, since we last spoke?” the Functional Med. Doctor asked.

“I’m not doing well at all.  My symptoms are still pretty much all the same since I first came to you.  I tried doing what you said, taking a smaller dosage of the supplements.  I quit taking the supplements after I vomited up bile.  Since I quit taking the supplements my symptoms have gotten better, especially the bloating and gas.  This is exactly what happened last time when I discontinued the supplements.  Now, my symptoms are at least tolerable.  When I’m on the supplements I feel absolutely miserable.”  I replied, curtly.

The FMD was very concerned about how I had vomited up bile.  Bile, an important digestive juice, is produced in the Liver and stored in the Gallbladder.  The Liver is one of multiple filtering systems for the body.  It detoxifies harmful substances from the blood, metabolizes nutrients, and makes blood clotting proteins.  No one can live without this organ.

The doctor asked some more specific questions, and I answered them honestly.  After he finished, Mom talked with him.  While they talked, I thought to myself, I’m living with terrible pain, twenty-four hours a day, every day, and he wants me to keep taking these supplements?  They escalate my symptoms so much that it is hard for me to function through the day.  Are you not listening to what I’m telling you, man?

“Kelly was taking the supplements you recommended.  She just stopped taking them again a couple days prior to this appointment.  They’re only making her symptoms worse.”  Mom told him, “She is frustrated.  She’s done everything you’ve recommended.  She’s tried the supplements at a lower dose.  We looked at the ingredients in the bottles.  Some have ingredients that she’s intolerant to that cause her to have symptoms.  Would this be a reason why the supplements aren’t working for her?  She’s been feeling really sick.  She isn’t sure if you’re able to help.  I don’t know if you can help her or not, either.  At this point, I think it’s in Kelly’s hands to make that decision.  I’ve watched her slowly become more sick over the last few years.  It’s SO hard to watch.”  Mom stated.  That being said, Mom asked him a few more specific questions…

The FMD didn’t recommend any new supplements.  He said he wanted to talk to me again in a month, but I didn’t respond.  I wasn’t getting the healing results I wanted.  We ended the phone call with him saying, “Kelly, when you’re ready for my help I will be willing to work with you again.  I’m sorry that you feel you aren’t getting the results you are looking for.”

And with that said, we were soon off the phone.  My time with the FMD had come to an end and I was happy about that.  However, since I wasn’t getting any better the question would again be “What’s next“?

 “That went really well.”  I said sarcastically.  Mom started talking about all the good things that were discussed in the phone consult.  I rolled my eyes, something I rarely did because it was not respectful, and laid down on the floor, on my stomach, in an attempt to get some pain relief.  Then, “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired!”  I stated.

“I know you are.”  Mom replied, seriously disturbed.

“No.  You don’t know.  You aren’t me.  You’re not living in pain every minute of every day. You don’t wake up every night in pain, or wake up to your own audible cries because of it.”  I angrily exclaimed.  “I tried everything he recommended.  The only help he has been was confirming that I don’t have anything ‘serious’ going on based upon the results of those three tests he recommended!”  I was mad, letting my anger spew out on her.  My words cut like hot swords flying through the air, landing on her.

Looking right at me she said, “You’re right, Kelly.  I’m not you, and I don’t have your pain.  I’ve watched you in excruciating pain.  Do you know how hard it is for me to watch and not be able to stop or relieve your pain?”  Tears pooled, then dripped like a leaking faucet from her eyes as she spoke.  “You have no idea how hard it is to helplessly watch your own child become more sick instead of getting better, Kelly.”

Had my harsh words hurt Mom?  I knew that watching me hurt sick for so long caused her to feel helpless.  “I know it hurts you to have to watch, Mom.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to lash out at you.  I was wrong.  I know that.  I’m really sorry.”  I’d sincerely and gently apologized.

“I forgive you.  I’m sorry too.  I didn’t mean to upset you.”  She said.

Amends being made, we smiled at one another.  “I still don’t think the FMD has been a lot of help for me.  I’m sick of wasting money on supplements and phone consults.”  We spoke more and I ended up leaving the Office(we were at my business in town at the time of the consult) to go outside for some fresh air to clear my head.

I prayed and cried while I walked outside.  Why am I having to endure all this pain with no end results in sight?  Everyday I was battling for my life.  I was doing everything I knew to help my body heal.  Why am I not getting results?  What is God trying to teach me?  It had been four and a half years of this left side pain.  I was ready to be done with this long battle.  I was sick of life just existing and not truly living.

Was I really ready to give up and throw in the towel?  The answer was a strong, NO!  In my heart of hearts I knew I was going through this for a reason.  I did believe that.  Sound crazy?  Maybe, but it’s the truth.  I DID trust my Papa God, but my trust needed to become deeper, even more REAL.  And in order to do that, my faith was about to grow deeper as I walked with my Papa God through this low, low valley.

Bob Goff, author, lawyer, motivational speaker, etc. etc. says, “I think God does miracles in stages, not just always one at a time.”

I agree with Bob Goff.  It was a miracle that I was still alive with how sick I really was.  However, my Papa God was in complete control and that gave me peace of mind.  Papa had some miracles that He was up to.  We’d just have to wait and see as they presented themselves.  In due time…