God’s In Complete Control

*Continuance of “My Story” starting with Blog #1: When your life flashes before your eyes in a flood gate of memories…

For the next month after discontinuing doctoring with the Functional Medicine doctor, Mom and I didn’t talk about who I would go to next for help with my left side abdominal pain, or if we should continue to research and try to do my own methods of healing.  We had no answers to our unspoken questions, but we both had our thoughts on what the pain really was.  We just hadn’t spoke it to one another.

After I quit having phone consults with the FMD, I continued to take three different supplements.  I knew these ones weren’t making me sick.  I continued my all organic diet eating food that digested with less burden: Bone Broth, Chicken Veggie Soup, Steamed Dark Leafy Greens, steamed Carrots, Cauliflower, Broccoli, Snow Peas, Brussel Sprouts, Green Beans, and Boiled Chicken and some Dried Fruits(Raisins and Mulberries).  That was the extent of my diet.  Pretty much all broth based and steamed veggies.

Getting fresh air and exercise were an everyday doing in order to help keep my body warm, have better circulation and keep detoxing through the skin with sweat.  I was doing all the “right” things, putting in nourishing foods, water, bone broth, and incorporating healing modalities in my life.  It had been five years since I started my journey towards good health.  Why wasn’t I seeing more positive results?

Mom and I continued to do our own research for my left side pain and my gut health.  We listened to health speakers that spoke on nutrition, healing (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually), foods that killed diseases and illnesses, the importance of gut health, Gluten issues, and some other topics that would come up on our emails from Drs. we followed.  At times, we each had to stop listening and researching because we were bombarded with so much information.  We needed to process what we were hearing, in addition to working, juggling every day life with cooking, food prep, chores and keeping a routine.  Life was chaotic, yet enriching.

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Part of my healing process meant that I needed to heal in ALL aspects of my life: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  In A New Heart we heard of my Spiritual healing, and that was a continual daily investment to have peace, even during storms that came up unexpectedly.

Physically I was doing all I could to stay focused to reverse my health and stay alive.

Mentally I was eating foods and taking some supplements that were all working to reverse my depression.  I may have felt helpless at times, but I was not suicidal, ever.  I constantly had to work to be optimistic to change the negativity of what I was going through to help myself.  And with time, that optimism helped bring change through the years.  I still had progress to make, but I was improving my mindset despite the challenges in life.

Emotionally Well, let’s get into that… When I was a little girl, I rarely voiced my thoughts and emotions, even when people wronged me.  I didn’t like to stir up trouble, or be confrontational.  I went through nearly 18 years of my life that way.  When my emotions had built up to the point of erupting, I was like a bomb going off.  It wasn’t a healthy way to express myself.  I didn’t voice my thoughts, saying, “that’s wrong, I don’t agree, that wasn’t nice” at times that I should had.  I didn’t correct someone with “That isn’t what happened.”  Instead, I would choose to be silent, saying nothing.  Being silent eats at you from the inside out.  It’s just like a disease.  It quietly festers from the inside, and slowly kills you piece by piece, situation after situation.  That doesn’t help a person’s physical health either.

As I said, my silence would be built up like a time bomb awaiting the final countdown to explode.  When I finally would explode, I could barely speak because I had so much I needed to say!  My words were angry, and jumbled.  I couldn’t think or speak clearly.  I didn’t know how to say what I needed to because I didn’t know how to voice my emotions and frustrations into sensible words.  I didn’t know how to deal with my anger, hurt, and bitterness from the mean things that were said or done to me.  Individual’s words had cut deep into my heart.  I didn’t want the words that came out of my mouth, when I was exploding in anger, to hurt a person like they’d hurt me.

All of these ideas about being “respectful”, staying silent instead of speaking up, that I had were wrong.  I had watched and learned what to say, or not say, from the people who were closest to me while I was growing up; family, friends, and various others who influenced my life.  I had learned to be like a mouse in the corner of a room, noticeably quiet and nearly invisible.

When my health started to crash in 2010, I needed to reexamine my life and my choices.  At that time, I knew that I needed to welcome some big changes, much of it in my communication.  It didn’t matter how hard it was going to be, I needed to do this for myself.  As for my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health as a whole, that became more clear to me while seeing Dr. R, although I’d known it in a “sensing” kind of way.  I had a lot of uncomfortable things that I needed to work through.  I knew that this dysfunctional trait, or learned behavior, needed to stop with me.

I started talking with the people that I loved most, my family.  My family was where I spent most of my time.  This was where many times, the pain and hurt had happened.  I was the youngest child and I got picked on a lot.  I got blamed for things I didn’t do, received harsh verbal reprimands and was the brunt of jokes which they had thought were fun or loving, but they weren’t.  I am very sensitive.  I just wanted to be loved.  Due to that desire to be loved, I would go along with what my family did or said to me, most often not speaking out that my feelings were being hurt.

As a young adult the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012, I started to voice my thoughts and emotions.  In doing so I found freedom.  I embarked on a tough road.  As tough as it was, and is at times, I don’t regret my decision to start using my voice.  I learned I had only been holding myself back by not being willing to be real, truthful, and transparent with people.  My spirit and personality were more free to come through me so that I could be expressive, and be the person that I was created to be.  I no longer would unknowingly carry an oppressive spirit, or knowingly.  I laughed, loved, smiled, cried for emotional relief when need be, and enjoyed and lived my life the way I wanted to.  The atmosphere of our household was lighter and the relationships with members of my family were lighter and freeing.  We all communicated easier with one another as I started to use my voice with them.  I wasn’t the only one who was learning to find my voice.  Many of us were.  We were all in this together.

A relationship takes two people.  One person can’t do everything in the relationship.  True change doesn’t happen with just one person changing.  Our family is proof of that. As a family, we have gone through A LOT together.  Living together as adults in a family isn’t easy.  Loving each other isn’t always easy.  Agreeing to disagree isn’t easy.  But, through all of it, we have grown as individuals and as a “whole”.

Ive found freedom in using my voice to speak my heart with words.  I’ve also found the freedom through forgiveness of past pains and hurts.  Ive learned that if I really love people, and want to be real with them, I will go to these hard places of being REAL with them.

Life is precious and should be lived to its fullest each day.  I learned I had only been holding myself back by not being willing to be real, truthful, and transparent with others.  Working through my past wasn’t something that I could do all at once.  It took years and is still a work in progress.  Once I started to deal with past negative memories, understanding myself better, and letting them go along with the negative conversations or events, I was becoming more free.  My heart felt lighter and I had more energy.  My mood lightened.  I felt a new freedom in my life.  I was processing, learning that healing comes in these different forms.

The body is an amazing, intricate being.  In order for the body to function optimally, we need to look at a variety of aspects of feeding it to attain optimal health to be whole.  Our body remembers and holds onto conversations, situations, injuries, harsh words, actions, abuses, and even smells.  I didn’t know that during my younger years.  My body had retained a lot of memories, some that I did know and other memories I didn’t know about.  When I’d worked with Dr. R, she speaking these truths to me, she spoke to my inner heart longings for peace, and I began to work through these layers of junk for needed healing in my body.  In turn, my body started a process of unlocking itself.

Acknowledging ALL aspects of healing during my entire health journey, and still to this day(and forever I plan to), have helped change and set me free at a whole new level.  It’s not all been easy… some of it has been really tough and trying, but I’m healthier in ALL areas of my life because of it.

As B.G. says, “What is simple often isn’t easy.  What is easy often doesn’t last.”

I want lasting results, so I’m willing to go to those hard places and heal as fully as possible in this life.

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